It's me.
I know you don't me yet, though I've probably been reading your blog for a year or two. I have occasionally de-lurked during particularly joyful or painful times and posted my congratulations or condolences.
I have been hoping for two years now that I wouldn't "need" to blog. That I would magically, wonderfully, effortlessly complete my infertility saga and move on with my life.
But no. I am still here. And you all mean so much to me. And I admire you. And find strength in you. And it's time for me to share.
I don't have the energy today to go into the whole story. But here are today's highlights:
I have left my husband and 2 year old son at home for the past 10 days to fly to a very big and famous city with the best IVF clinics in the world.
I was on a very aggressive estrogen priming protocol. I stimmed for 13 days. I only produced one follicle. The doctor and the clinic wanted me to cancel. But I just couldn't. My whole family-my husband who has taken over watching our son for a week and a half, my parents who have helped us with the tens of thousands of dollars that this has cost, my friends who have been following my story and supporting me-was invested in this process as much as I was and we all wanted this to work so desperately.
We had a successful egg retrieval yesterday (yay!) and the egg was mature. But, I got the call this morning that despite using ICSI, it did not fertilize. This was not a surprise. But I am devastated. I am beside myself. I put my family through so much. I went through so much. This might be too hard. I don't know if this pursuit of a second biological child is worth the shit I just put my family through. I am miserable.
To top it all off, I am stuck in the big city all by myself tonight because all the flights out were canceled tonight. Of course, I had already checked out of my hotel and taken a taxi to the airport BEFORE I found out that I was stuck. I had a total meltdown in the airport. All I wanted was to get home to my guys-my husband and my son-and melt back into my family. Instead, I checked into a new hotel, got a bottle of wine, and watched some cable. Then I started this blog.
Welcome to my life. Nice to meet you.
